The Art & Poetry of Mary Coleman

Today I started my new painting by tracing the image on my iPad. Next I will grid it, grid the surface I’m painting on, and finally draw the lines onto the canvas and outline them in acrylic pen. I use un-stretched canvas from pads because it’s easier to store (I put it in my flat file) and I can frame it and then re-use the frame for something else later if it doesn’t sell at the gallery.

Yesterday I had a really strong craving to get pizza that lasted from around 2:30pm until I cooked dinner. After dinner I didn’t have any cravings (it was mostly about laziness of not wanting to cook and do dishes so once I did the thing my craving stopped). I am glad I didn’t order pizza because I’m trying to save money leading up to March when we go to South Carolina, and May when my mother-in-law visits. Plus it would just be good to have money put away in savings. December was a costly month and January has been more expensive than anticipated (with house repairs, car expenses, and dental procedures). If I can get around 800 dollars into savings this pay cycle that would be awesome.

After complaining about there not being a very good mood tracking app I found an awesome one called Daylio (it did cost me 18 dollars). It’s really customizable and allows you to add personalized moods and personalized elements that lead to moods. It’s really good for tracking anxiety and panic attacks. I have around 30 different moods I added and hundreds of different elements in my life that might be causing them (the categories include emotions, food, hygiene, hobbies, finances, goals, medication, weather, chores, productivity, meditation and self compassion, social relationships, sleep, romantic relationships, locations, health etc…).

So far I haven’t learned anything new about panic attacks besides a better knowledge of how long they last (about 30 minutes). The usual suspects cause them. This includes things like finances, any brisk exercise in the afternoon, loud sound, and really getting into a movie or TV show. I did learn more about my anxiety than I did about my panic attacks, however. I have discovered some causes I wasn’t aware of and have a better idea of how long it tends to last.

Using this app has lead me to discover that diet soda really causes me intense anxiety. I also found that sugar leads to serious dips in mood ending in depression as well as anxiety. My relief from a sugar craving after having a sweet was 20 minutes long, then I started to tip into depression. So I won’t have sugar again for a long time. It was a miserable day. At that point I had been abstaining for three weeks and that was last Thursday. I haven’t had another sweet since and the experience of the day I did have one turned me off of wanting to give into any cravings for them (which thankfully I haven’t had any since).

I started strength training today. It was only 20 minutes of it, and with 5 pound weights, but I’ll work up. My second day will be Sunday and I will run with a friend on Thursday, Friday, and Sunday (after I do strength training that day). That’s 3 runs and two sessions of weights so my goal will be achieved.

I am meditating again. This is my second day and I’ve figured out a better way to focus my attention so that it seems more effective. Before when I was listening to the sound of a stream on my headphones, I was also visualizing the stream while repeating a mantra. This time I am not picturing the stream, just paying attention to the sound of it. Without the added visualization, I find my focus is better and my mind wanders less. I do need a mantra because otherwise I get lost in straying thoughts quite quickly.

My first name is Mary and it was my maternal grandmother’s name. She was dying of breast cancer when I was born and I was originally going to be called Ellen after my paternal great grandmother, but the dying of breast cancer thing got me named Mary instead.

I was also baptized Lutheran because that was my maternal grandmother’s denomination and my paternal grandmother, who was very well when I was a baby, was Catholic. So I went to Catholic church every Sunday growing up with my living grandmother, but I could never get communion or anything because I was baptized Lutheran. I think my paternal grandmother also liked the name Mary because she was pretty devout and it was a good Christian name.

Currently I am not religious, but I feel more Catholic than anything else because that was the church I was raised with and I went to Catholic grade school and high school (which I have to say gave me a decent education). My high school was an all girls school, which is uncommon on the west coast of the United States. Most catholic high schools in the USA are coed these days.

Sometimes I wish I had been a better student in high school because it would have afforded me more opportunities earlier on, but community college for awhile was a good thing for me because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with myself until I was much older than 18. It meant I wasn’t strapped down with enormous student debt for a degree I didn’t want. I went to proper University at the age of 24. By then I knew my strongest suit was art and so that is what I pursued.