The Art & Poetry of Mary Coleman

I bought a book of illuminated letters hoping it might inspire me to do something creative visually that was a little bit easier than trying to come up with an abstract drawing every single day, but now I’m really nervous about it. Why does art cause me such anxiety? Well I know the answer to that. Maladaptive perfectionism. Now I have this pressure to make perfect illuminated letters. Even though my logical brain says it’s okay to not make perfect drawings, my illogical brain thinks that I must create masterpieces every time. So I do nothing at all.

I really think I need a month entirely without visual art. It’s National Poetry writing month so I think that is what I am going to solely focus on. Writing. I’ll start off with a month off of painting, and if I get to the end of April and I’m still feeling anxious about doing it, I will continue to break from it. Maybe distance is what I need right now. Time for my brain to heal. It’s so hard because there is this expectation inside me that I NEED to do art because that is what I spent 7 years of school doing and the past 12 years after school. It has really lost its joy and inspiration though, completely. I get very anxious when I paint and I just feel kind of miserable the whole time. I like finishing a painting and am happy when that happens, but the process of getting there is just really uncomfortable and I feel nervous the whole time.

There is a quote I like that says you need to give up on motivation as the key to success as it is fickle and unreliable and the best way forward is to learn to work without it. I’ve been banging my head on the wall for 12 years living by this quote, working entirely without any motivation but working none the less, but I think it’s time to step back. Maybe painting isn’t what I need to be doing right now. There is another great quote that says that if you are a perfectly good and ripe apple, you will never be an excellent banana no matter how hard you try to be one, it’s best to be the best apple you can be and accept that you will never be a banana. I think I used to be a banana when I was a visual artist, I excelled at it, but at some point I morphed into an apple and now I am still trying to be a banana and it’s just causing me great anxiety. Maybe I am an apple right now because I have become a poet and not a painter. And the more I try to paint, the less happy I will be.

My poetry hasn’t been very inspired lately. I think I exhausted myself writing a poem a day all March. Now that April is here, and it’s National Poetry Month and you are actually supposed to write a poem a day, I am struggling. Not writing a poem a day, I can do that, but making poems worth reading and sharing. Everything that’s coming out of me this past week has been a little bland and uninspired. I just need to make it past this hump of lack of motivation (remember the quote I mentioned about it being fickle) and hopefully things will start flowing again like they were in March. I can’t just give up writing poetry because I’m going through a difficult spell. You have to create a lot of mediocre work to get to the gems. Failure is okay, I keep having to tell myself that. I had a really good month in March, a lot of work I’m proud of. I’ll get there again. I learn something with every poem I write, they all have value to me. It’s hard though, coming off such a creative period of time to a dry spell. I have started to have a little anxiety coming up about writing, fearing I have lost my touch, but it’s nowhere near as bad as the anxiety I get around painting.

How would you improve your community?

My community is pretty good how it is. I like my neighborhood. It’s a safe area and there are lots of neat little unique places to eat and shop. The houses all look different and have messy gardens with lots of decorations. There seems to be a good mix of people around. It’s nothing like my sister’s gated community which was bland and uniform with little to no variety in the people who lived there.

I did 33 minutes of strength training this morning. It was supposed to be my long run day but I’m exhausted and didn’t feel up to 9 miles. I plan to do that next Monday instead. Only two more long runs on our own and then my friend and I will run the half marathon. The most I do on my own during training is 10 miles. If I can run 10 miles, I can run 13.

Here is the apple/banana quote:

“You must learn that you cannot be loved by all people. You can be the finest apple in the world, ripe, juicy, sweet and succulent. But you must realise, that there will always be people who don’t like apples. If you are the world’s finest apple, and someone you love doesn’t like apples, you have the choice of becoming a banana. However, be warned, If you choose to become a banana, you will only be a second-rate banana. But you can always stay the finest apple. Now understand, if you become a second-rate banana, there will always be people who don’t like bananas. Furthermore, you can spend your life trying to become the best banana, Which is impossible if you are an apple, or, you can concentrate on being the best apple. If you are an apple, stay an apple, be the best apple, And wait for an apple picker to come along. If you are an apple picker, pick an apple, don’t pick a banana and try to make it round.”

As a visual artist I feel I am an apple trying to be a banana and I am currently a second rate banana as a result. The sad thing is I used to be a banana, but maladaptive perfectionism turned me into an apple.

And here is the motivation quote:

“Fuck motivation. It’s a fickle and unreliable dickfuck and isn’t worth your time.

Better to cultivate discipline than to rely on motivation. Force yourself to do things. Force yourself to work.

Motivation is fleeting and it’s easy to rely on because it requires no concentrated effort to get. Motivation comes to you, you don’t even have to chase after it.

Discipline is reliable, motivation is fleeting. The question isn’t how to keep yourself motivated it’s how to train yourself to work without it.”

Discipline is great, I worked with it for 12 years without a shred of motivation to drive me, but you really need some inspiration sometimes to make the less inspired times more worthwhile. I haven’t been inspired by art in so very long. Not motivated at all, and I work and I work and I work, and I have no joy to show for it. It’s time to quit I think. This is just not working and I did give it my all, so you can’t say I didn’t practice discipline.